W E L L  H O W D Y !

So if you’re reading this, maybe we matched on an app, had a great conversation and then I gave you this mystery link. I’m aware that this is a slightly left of centre approach but then, people who wear watermelon helmets tend to do things a little differently. First some reassurance: I’m not trying to sell you crypto, insurance, or a pyramid scheme!

1- A 15-20 minute ‘about me’ with key details saves everyone time and effort.

2- I’m a little a-typical in my approach to dating, (don’t worry, it’s nothing weird)… but there seems to be a bit of pattern where my low maintenance somewhat simplistic attitude needs some upfront context. 

T H E  B A S I C S

I’m happy enough if I feel free to be myself around you, and you feel like you can be yourself around me…. That’s already a great start. You can still have an amazing and fulfilling relationship when all you can say to each other is: “I really really like you…a lot”….

I think it’s good to have a bit of skepticism about that ‘head over heels’ feeling. No one wants to get trapped, and I think we’ve all been there. Love is something that emerges after a while…. You don’t need to be madly in love with someone to have a meaningful and exclusive relationship. I’ll settle for us liking each other a lot… and we can see what happens after that.

Simplicity keeps things light and airy. Simplicity gives each person maximum space and freedom to be themselves and have a life that’s fulfilling outside a relationship.

Enjoying each other’s company without the pressure of escalating expectations or responsibilities sounds good to me. I want something that’s exclusive, and simple, but has the potential to last. How much time it lasts is impossible to say. I’m willing to put in a comfortable level of effort to keep something good going. It would be nice if it lasts a long time, but sometimes that just isn’t possible. But I’m definitely not looking for something short term.

I want a relationship with someone else that feels like a space of freedom, and not a trap. If this space is to remain uncomplicated, you can’t keep adding layers of responsibility or expectations. You have to make some effort to keep this space uncluttered.

Having someone to make dinner for, share stories with, sit on the couch with, go for a walk with, watch a movie with… A compliment here, a flower there, (i’m extremely fond of flowers), a few thoughtful texts, some flirting in between dates and it’s literally perfect. Over time we might start to care about each other more, but that’s like a gift. The additional caring is not a signal to start making things more complicated or increasing the expectations. I would be so very happy if I had this much. And why shouldn’t this be enough? 

Someone I dated told me, I’m too nice & that I should have a higher bar. I’ve learned to avoid people like him.  I’m doing my part to create an uncomplicated space where two people can enjoy each other’s company and not end up in something that starts to feel restrictive. That is completely different from having low standards.

All this stuff about about “don’t be too available”, “be a bit of a challenge, but not too much of a challenge…” No Thanks. Want a challenge? Go hunt a deer with your left hand super glued to your face.

Anyway, I wish him a lifetime of high bars and needlessly complicated relationships. I’d rather be with someone who doesn’t take my efforts to keep things drama free for granted.

Making something from scraps?

At this point in life, most relationships are going to be built from a kind of mish mash of leftovers. Left over time, energy, & mental space. This is just how it is. There’s no shame in it. But this is exactly why they shouldn’t be draining or taxing. They need to be light, and free-ing, not heavy and claustrophobic.

needyness vs having needs

You, are not my emotional vending machine. You don’t need to be tied to my emotional state. You are not required to fulfil the kinds of needs that come from fear, or insecurity or some inner sense of emptiness. Fulfilling these types of needs is draining.

Some needs are fun to fulfill. Companionship, physical touch, understanding, having fun experiences, eating together, sharing memories, solving small problems… I need flowers… Did I mention that already? These are the kinds of needs that are enjoyable to fulfill. And they never feel like traps or burdens.

how much time?

Free time is scarce. Most people have 12.5 seconds of it. I want a few of those seconds, not all of them.  My life is rolling & yours is too. Probably on two different paths. There’s no desire in me to force these two paths together. There are many ways to create togetherness that leave space for each person to have their freedom.

to be a priority?

When I started dating again I realised most of the people in my age range, already have families and kids, maybe a pet goldfish and stuff they still want to do. You & your existing life should be your top priority. I don’t want to feel forgotten about or taken for granted…. But that’s not the same as needing to be a priority. 

I’m playful.

I’m a bit ditzy especially in the category of “how did you not know/realise that?”

I can’t read maps & I get lost a lot.

I’m light hearted. Laughter, and the lighter side of things comes very easily to me.I like practical jokes. Watch out.

I will find out what you like, or what you need, and then do those things. As much as I can. This is how I say that you matter to me, without saying it.

I love making things, and working with my hands. I’ll probably make things for you. This is my way of saying, please don’t forget about me.

I’m not judgemental. I’m very curious. I’m into all sorts of rabbit holes and so I frequently have odd bits of interesting information about the world. Like: did you know that a group of flamingos is called a flamboyance?

I cut my own hair. Have been doing this for almost 15 years.

I like to send cute flirty texts, exchange music, send gifs, memes, pictures…

I like to send stuff in the post. Post cards. Notes. Messages. I like to buy small gifts. I will leave snacks in your bag. Notes in your pockets. Send you surprises via deliveroo. (Did you know you can send flowers via deliveroo?) Learn to make your favourite foods. This is my way of saying I care about you, without saying it.

If I want something from you, I will ask you for it. You don’t have to read my mind. Manipulation is a horrible way to treat someone you care about, so I don’t do it. I just ask. This is my way of respecting your autonomy.

W A N T S & N E E D S

In 2019, I had something of a personal disaster akin to being in an accident. The details aren’t important but I was unable to eat, drink, or talk properly until 2022. In that same time, my “forever relationship” ended, my grandmother who had been my mother died, my cat of 18 years died, and then the pandemic hit and I was forced to leave my home of 30 years. That’s how I ended up in London.

I was completely alone with a new life that I hadn’t asked for, at a moment in time, where the world itself was upside down and inside out. Other than a few t-shirts, a pair of shoes, and a pair of jeans, I had nothing . I had no one, there was no where to go and not much to do. My history, my friends, my family, my things…. All of that was now far away and distant.

Who was I now that I felt I had nothing & so much of my life had changed? Was I supposed to pick up the pieces and rebuild? You’re supposed to build back better. Stronger. Smarter. This is the universal rule of “how to transmute catastrophe” into “congratulations”.

But even though I was surrounded by so much nothingness, I still felt like I had something. And that something was a sense of self. The kind of self that appears when everything and everyone has disappeared. And that self felt oddly content. To be content and happy with less “self”, and less “life”, and less “stuff”, in an age of “always have more” is a small rebellion of sorts.

At school, on my report cards, the consistent comment was “she is happy go lucky.” And I still am… but what was once incidental is now intentional. There is an odd freedom in knowing I don’t need much to be content or happy. A lightness of heart and spirit.

I’m just a woman. When it rains I get wet. I don’t need to be more than this. 

A relationship shouldn’t be a high stakes ‘Japanese game show where each round is more bizarre and unpredictable than the last.

It should be a sanctuary where you can relax, be yourself, and feel comfortable. A place where someone likes and accepts you for who you are right now, not who you ‘could’ be or ‘should’ be. It’s a place where you don’t have to silence yourself to keep the peace.

Unconditional acceptance is not unconditional love.

Unconditional acceptance is understanding that there are parts of other people that may not make sense to us, but we don’t need to be afraid of those parts or worried by them. People aren’t perfect. They don’t have to be.

If you can’t create joy, happiness, peace, compassion and stability in yourself, you can’t give those things to anyone. Those are the things we go towards a relationship to share. Those are the things we should have in surplus so we can give without expectation. Both people don’t have to be in surplus at the same time with the same things. Overtime things balance out. But if both people are in deficit, and are actively using the relationship as a resource… the potential for unhappiness is quite high.

In 2022, I started choosing people based on this simple question: Can I be happy with this person if they stayed exactly the same? But to do this accurately , I have to know exactly what I want. Which I do. For various reasons I’m now an expert in red and green flags. Red flags are extremely easy to spot. Especially the red flags that are going to hurt me. Sometimes people are just neurotic… and they might drive themselves a little crazy but that’s very different from being someone who causes pain and hurt.

Things I’m attracted to… (not deal breakers)

I like people who have atypical or interesting career paths or an interesting side hustle.

I like the idea of someone who has kids. I don’t want kids myself, but I secretly like the idea of being a grandmother.

I don’t really like extremely intellectual or bookish types.

Overly politically correct people are not my people.

The woke, are not my folk either.

And as creative as I am, I don’t find the idea of dating someone from a creative field appealing unless it’s a more practical type of creativity. 

I like people who are a balance of intelligence and practical knowledge. 

Someone having an ability to make money or achieve their goals is important to me, but the money itself is not. A lavish life isn’t something I aspire to. Extremely ambitious people put me off a little.

I like guys who are slightly introverted, but still have a quiet self assured presence that feels like it comes from the ground up. But… I get along with extroverts too.

I like people who understand that men and women can be friends. My best friend is my ex. We dated for 3 years, 15 years ago. We live in different countries but we speak once a week.

I like people who are individuals without being arrogant about it.

I like people who are looking forward to lots more in life.

I like people who understand that the world  is a rather grey chaotic uncertain place where there is an appearance of order, rather than an objective order.

I like people who are faithful because it aligns with their values on what is right and wrong, rather than because it’s an obligation. 

I like people whose behaviour is guided by their values not their emotions. It’s very easy to feel safe around these people.

As secure as I am, I don’t want to date someone who flirts with the waitress. 

I have a slightly lower female voice, and I have found I can’t date people whose voices are higher or the same note as me.

I like typically manly looking guys with unusual or unique faces. 

And, well… looks fade, but height is forever.

If you tell me your weaknesses or vulnerabilities, I will treat them with great care. People who exploit their partner’s weaknesses are disgusting douche bags. Avoid them at all costs.

I love giving back rubs.

I’m more logical than emotional. I can give and express a lot of nice feelings to someone I care about, but when I’m considering situations, or ideas, or people, I’m usually looking at the logical side of things. I will act on my values, or my sense of logic, but rarely do I have emotional responses to situations or people.

It’s very difficult to offend me or unsettle me in such a way that drama starts to unfold…. H o w e v e r . . . I love to know what OTHER people are gossiping about or being dramatic about…. But more out of curiosity than a desire to commit myself to the drama.

Re-establishing my career path + writing my novel has not been easy for me. Have you ever met a cat with a routine that makes sense to the observer? I struggle with consistency and routine… which is also why I feel the time commitments of a more traditional relationship wouldn’t work for me.

I’m not very good at planning interesting date-night activities. I’m good at basic date nights.

I have a very slight lisp. Thumtimes, but not always.

I have random moments of being unexpectedly sweet.

A  F E W  M O R E  B I T S

I am extremely physically affectionate. Octopus like. I will be touching you all the time. All the time. Any excuse. Hands, legs everywhere all the time.

So I don’t nag, or complain much but here’s the terrible trade off….All my extra mental capacity with laser like focus is exclusively devoted to:

1- Perpetually plotting to get more touches from you.

2- Constantly convincing you to go to the couch for cuddles.

3- Silently scheming to keep you in bed as long as possible.

This may sound like a good problem to have, but I get sulky & grumpy. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Hands. I have extremely responsive hands , wrists and forearms. Neck too.

I love my body. It’s small and curvy, and works perfectly with my personality. I’d rather date someone who likes it as much as I do, and who is naturally attracted to my body type or overall appearance, rather than someone who is making it work because they like my personality. (Deal breaker)

I like sex. A lot. It’s a form of self expression for me & I’m quite adventurous. If you’re not adventurous that’s fine, enthusiasm makes up for a lot… besides, sex always gets better over time.

You can say things with your body that you can’t say with words. Pretty sure you could save on couples therapy by just having better sex. Sorry. Not sorry.

But as much as I like it, I can’t have it casually. I’m not interested in a relationship that exists just for sex. That doesn’t make sense to me. I need there to be a possibility of a longer relationship, but as I’ve said, it doesn’t have to be an epic love story. It can be something much simpler.

I’m a terrible tease. I will make you afraid to open messages from me in public.

But I’m extremely faithful. I like belonging to someone completely. I like reserving certain aspects of myself just for one person. I don’t like being flirtatious towards people I’m not in a relationship with. I somehow never feel a need for that.

While I’m on this topic, I’ll say that sex for me happens between two people, okay? not three, not four, not a group and not a club full of people wearing black leather swimsuits carrying weapons. (Non Negotiable Deal breaker)

Years ago, I dated someone extremely non-confrontational. This was his vulnerability, & by default I had the upper hand. It was not right for me to use this to my advantage. (People who turn your vulnerabilities into their advantage are douche bags. Avoid them at all costs.) To level the playing field for him, I had to learn to learn new skills. Over time it got easier and he got more confident coming forward because he knew there was always a safe space for him.

My next long relationship was with Mr. Full Throttle. You would think that, I could have called on my previous ability to be emotionally charged… but I could not. It was nowhere to be found. I was now on the other side of the line.

He was the 10,000 pound Mack Truck, I was the deer in the headlights. I would freeze, my whole body would just go stiff and I would withdraw, or burst into tears from not being able to express myself. When things got really bad, I developed this weird habit of hiding in small spaces.

Ideally I would like to date someone who can self regulate in conflict. If that’s not an option, then someone who is non-confrontational also works because I have learned to create a safe space for them, which means they can feel safe and heard and no one gets hurt.

I refuse to get back in a cage with someone who uses the force of their character, or a power imbalance to get what they want. (Deal breaker)

I think it’s important to have fun topics where you can diffuse tension. For me it’s the constant plotting for more physical attention and flowers.

A simple relationship is like using a classic, no-frills coffee maker: straightforward, reliable, and delivers exactly what you need to start your day right. You push the button, and it brews your morning sanity without any confusing settings or fancy latte art. A casual relationship, however, is like those first few attempts at using a French press: it seems fun and sophisticated at first, but you’re never quite sure if you’re doing it right, and half the time, you end up with coffee grounds in your cup and questioning your life choices.

Many people worry that engaging in the enjoyable aspects of dating—like frequent texting, thoughtful gestures, planning fun dates, and sharing life’s moments—might inadvertently set expectations for deeper commitments, more responsibilities, and increased obligations. However, with me, that’s not the case. I’m not looking for those heavy commitments either.  I want someone who’s happy to invest a bit of effort in creating joyful experiences and maintaining a pleasant back-and-forth alive in between dates.

I like walks but I do not want to go hiking, or rock climbing with you, please go with your friends…. Please don’t ask me to go into nature to get sweaty.

I like holidays that just unfold by themselves. No need for excessive planning or spending hours trying to find a restaurant with good reviews.

I’m very respectful of boundaries so long as they don’t clash with my core personal or relational values.

I’m comfortable with all kinds of social situations – I might hang back a little to begin with. And I don’t really drink.

Oh ….I’m also a glutton. For everything. Music, food, ideas, culture, people. Find me with my elbows at the proverbial table, one cupcake in each hand and two in my mouth.

I have zero interest in being a boss babe, a femme fatale, a high value woman, a strong independent woman, or a divine goddess. Zero. I’m not a fruit… I don’t need a cheesey sticker label.

I’m just a me.

I hope you’re okay with that.

&  T H E  L A S T  B I T S

It’s a paradox. On paper all this that I have written probably sounds great. But after several experiences that ended the same…. I think this is the part, anyone who is interested in dating me, needs to consider the most. 

I don’t play games. You don’t have to earn my affection. If I’ve decided to like you, my feelings are constant. There are no tests or challenges. There are no dramatic ups and downs. Sounds idyllic but it might feel weird. Simply because all the strategies, systems, tools, coping mechanisms that we typically use in more transactional relationships are redundant… We end up feeling various shades of “I just don’t know how to be in this situation… so I better get out of it.”

I’ve been rejected several times on the grounds of, “this is great but…. it just feels weird…” It has happened a few times now, I’ve learned not to take it personally. People are wired to cling to the familiar.

 I need to say & explain all this now, clearly, because once that “off feeling” starts to happen, anything I say will sound argumentative, or like I’m trying to convince you, or pleading…. and my reaction, even though I’m trying to explain, create understanding or create some clarity will inevitably trigger you even more.

So now, before anything happens, now is the time to say what I have just said, so you know what to expect. And so you have some awareness of how this dynamic plays out differently than the usual ones.

Free spirits don’t like to keep people in cages…. It’s too much work! Oh… and by the way, don’t forget to send flowers. Deliveroo is fine. I’m not fussy.